Written by Suzanne Graham
Love is difficult. I will be the first to admit.
Before I let you in, I had given up on love a long time ago. But now I am bearing my soul to you, letting you into my deepest cracks. For a while I feared allowing anyone past my defenses. You once asked why I close myself off to the world. It’s because I’ve grown to fear believing I could become someone’s number one. Life has beaten me down enough that at best I could only ever be someone’s number two.
Always second best.
Yet, I always think about the moment you walked straight through the front gate and held my core gently within your hands. You dispelled all the fear, telling me that you’d always be by my side. As I opened the door a crack to watch, you whispered the words I love you. Tears streamed down my face. Yet I was ashamed I couldn’t bring myself to say it back.
In time, your love gave me strength.
And just as I opened the door to allow you in, you proved I was right to fear.
You wanted something that I could not give you. At least without the thought that it’d crush me in the process. Your gentleness turned rough like sandpaper. Frightened, I slammed the door. Briefly I noticed that you stretched out your hand, perhaps in an attempt to stop me. You pounded on the door, demanding to allow you in. As my body no longer became mine to control, I wanted only to apologize in case I slammed the door on your finger.
But it was necessary.
If we were meant to continue being friends in the future, I needed to protect what remained between us. You saw my core. How fragile it is. Letting you in any further would only break it beyond repair. Even all the King’s horses and all the King’s men wouldn’t be able to put it back together again. But don’t be fooled.
I did it all for you.
This way we can move on without regrets. What corresponded between us can be forgotten and you can be with the one that truly holds your heart. You will be able to follow your hopes and dreams without me holding you back. You can live a happier life without me.
I never deserved you anyways.